This article from the Lubbock Avalanche-Journal (found via ifeminists) got me to thinking about a situation involving a friend of which I was made aware a couple months ago.

To protect the identity of all parties, I will simply call her “M”.  I came to know M through her sister.  Her sister and I had met while we were both in college and we have kept in touch.  She lives a short distance away and I regularly visit.  My friend’s family moved in across the street from her about 5 years ago, so I also ended up meeting all of them.  M’s sister and I are both the same age (32) and she is 10 years behind us (M is now 22), and so I’ve watched her go through graduating high school, going to college, and trying to find a job afterwards (it’s been hard for her, since she graduated just when the bottom fell out of the job market).

In July I was informed by M’s sister that she has been abused by her current boyfriend for the past four years and that the abuse is getting worse.  We had suspected that this was the case, but this was the first confirmation of it.  M was living with him at the time (she still is, but more on that later), so her sister offered to let her move back into her house.  M took her up on the offer and her family helped her move her things out of the apartment.  Unfortunately, she went back to her boyfriend the next day and has been slowly moving back (a little at a time).

I have noticed over the past couple of years that M always seems down or depressed and she also seems to suffer from an image problem (i.e. doesn’t like to have pictures taken, puts herself down frequently, etc).  I suspect that she is staying with her current boyfriend only because she fears that she won’t find anyone else (I think she also fears being alone).  This fear is unfounded, as she is an attractive young woman, but I can understand that she may not see that.

On the rare occasions that he deigns to make an appearance at a family event, he has uniformly treated her with contempt and disrespect.  I was angered by this, but held my tongue, since it wasn’t my business and since it didn’t rise to the level of abuse (but then again, abusers often manipulate their victims through emotional distancing techniques).  Other things that I’ve learned only serve to confirm my negative opinion, such as his obsession with video games (to the exclusion of her at many times).  I found it instructive that his “gifts” to her are often items that he wants.  It also appears that he is not pulling his own weight financially, asking her to buy things for him (like a computer to play his games).

On my last visit, I noticed that she had scars on her hands.  I had been told that this was the case, but this was the first time I saw them.  She told her family that she did it to herself when she was angry.  She also tried to take the blame on herself for the fights with her boyfriend (saying that she attacked him) and for her broken cell phone (she claimed that she got angry and threw it against the wall).

Frankly, all of this is really scaring me.  These all sound like classic abuse symptoms, given that the abuser often blames the victim, who internalizes this blame and starts to believe it (not to mention the cases where the victim actually provokes the outburst in the hopes of getting it out of the way and entering the “make-up/apology” stage).  But the main thing that worries me is that abusers only get worse over time.  I fear that one day he will go too far.

I’ve been doing some research into this topic, and I found that there’s not very much that friends and family can do as long as the victim wants to stay with the abuser.  We can make enquiries, try to provide a supportive atmosphere, and try to persuade her to leave, but the decision ultimately rests with her (although, at this point, I have not discussed this with her—I’ve been a bystander during this whole process, which has been frustrating, but then I’m not part of her family and they’re doing everything they can).  What’s more, the decision to leave must be approached carefully, to avoid an explosive outburst.  The experts advise that we must resist the urge to “rescue” her, which would make the situation worse (if she feels pressured to leave, she may do so, but will then return, and the abuse could get worse).

In the meantime, I guess we’ll all just keep hoping that she remembers that there are people who care about her and who will support her if she leaves him.  I also hope that she won’t be seriously injured (or worse) before she leaves.